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How to Compassionately Help & Support Someone Who is Grieving

By: Leigh Morgan • Edited by: Erin George, MFT • 3 cited sources • Updated Oct 14, 2024

No two people experience the grieving process in exactly the same way. Some mourners want to share their favorite memories of the deceased, while others prefer to manage their emotions in private. Since grief is different for everyone, it’s important to listen carefully when a bereaved person tells you what they need. Here’s how to support someone grieving the loss of a loved one.

Understanding the Grief Journey Is Unique for Everyone

A grieving person may experience intense emotions, including sadness, anger, and loneliness^[1]. For example, if a loved one passed away in a car accident, those grieving may express anger toward the other driver. A friend or family member may cry, withdraw from social activities, pound their fists on a table, or express their emotions in other ways.

Grief can even include regret, the loss of a sense of self, and anxiety or confusion. Often, the way a person experiences grief may be a reaction to how their loved one passed away.

Erin L. George, MA-MFT

The grief journey is unique, so some people express no emotions at all. Alternatively, they channel their grief into something productive, such as planning a memorial service, setting up a scholarship in the name of their deceased loved one, or raising money to support an important cause.

It’s important to understand that even when a person appears to be handling their grief in a productive way, they will still be prone to experiencing other emotions of grief.

Practical Tips to Help a Grieving Friend or Loved One

Address Their Basic Needs First

Much of the advice on how to help someone who is grieving focuses on finding the right words. If you really want to help your loved one, address their basic needs first. A bereaved person may appreciate a home-cooked meal or a gift card for takeout from a local restaurant. If possible, offer to help with laundry, dishes, and other household chores.

Offer to Help With Memorial Arrangements

A grieving person may not be in the right frame of mind to plan a funeral or memorial service. To make the process easier, ask if they’d like your help with the arrangements. Even if they want to pick out a casket or choose the funeral hymns themselves, you can help with things like ordering flowers, inviting friends and family members, paying vendors, and placing an obituary in the local newspaper.

Handle Important Paperwork

The last thing a bereaved person wants to do is fill out forms, make copies, or stand in line at the post office. Unfortunately, planning a funeral, closing out bank accounts, and distributing property to heirs produce a lot of paperwork. You may not be able to fill out every form, but you can make copies of the death certificate, gather contact information for banks and insurance companies, or mail documents on your loved one’s behalf.

Take Care of Children or Pets

Death is hard on everyone, but it’s especially difficult when a bereaved person has young children or pets at home. Even if you can only watch the kids for a few hours or walk your friend’s dog once or twice per day, that gives them more time to grieve without worrying about  their responsibilities.

By helping someone with practical tasks in the early stages of grief, you’ll be reminding them that they’re not alone and could help with feelings of loneliness or isolation. Having a consistent, reliable support network can make a big difference in a person’s grief journey. In being there to help a grieving person get through one hour at a time, you’ll be doing more than finding ‘the right words.

Erin L. George, MA-MFT

What to Say to Someone Grieving to Provide Comfort

Once you address a grieving person’s practical needs, it’s time to offer words of comfort. Here are a few ideas to help you come up with just the right thing to say in each situation.

What to Say to a Bereaved Person

When you speak with a bereaved person, avoid statements like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.”^[2] Not everyone shares the same religious beliefs, so these statements may cause emotional harm rather than providing comfort. Instead, tell the person you can’t imagine what they’re going through.

It’s also helpful to be honest about your discomfort with the other person’s pain. It’s okay to express that you don’t have the right words but that you feel for them.

What to Say to a Grieving Friend

It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what to say to a grieving friend. Sometimes, sitting in the same room is enough to provide much-needed comfort. If you want to express your condolences, share a happy memory of the deceased or say something like, “So many people are going to miss them.” Here are some other options:

• You and [name of the deceased] had such a special bond.
• Any time you want to talk about [name of the deceased], I’m here for you.
• Tell me more about [name of the deceased]. I’d love to hear some of your favorite memories.
• I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

What to Say to a Family Member That Is Grieving

In the immediate aftermath of a death, it’s important to tell family members, “I’m sorry for your loss.” You can also ease their pain with these statements and questions:

• Remember when [bring up a happy memory involving the deceased individual]?
• [Name] was a wonderful person.
• [Name] left a lasting legacy. The world is a better place because of what [he/she/they] did.
• I wanted you to know that we speak of [name] often. We really cherish our memories with them.

Over the next few months, contact your loved ones regularly and let them know you’re thinking about them. As time passes, they may worry that other people have forgotten about their loved one. Birthdays and anniversaries are difficult, so it’s never a bad idea to send a greeting card that says you’re thinking of them on those special occasions.

What to Say to a Child Suffering a Loss

“I’m sorry for your loss” isn’t necessarily helpful when you’re talking to a child. If you need to comfort a young person, let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. It’s also helpful to provide honest honors to their questions. The child should walk away from the conversation knowing that many people love and care about them.

How to Take Care of Yourself While Supporting Others

If you’re grieving, make sure you take care of yourself. You don’t have to halt your own grieving process to support other people. Take time to experience the loss, express your emotions, or seek guidance from a therapist, pastor, or other trusted individual.

Common Questions About Helping a Grieving Loved One

Written by Leigh Morgan

Leigh Morris has 15 years of experience developing high-converting content for the Web. She enjoys writing about health, law, finance, marketing and careers. Hope has a bachelor's degree in business administration (human resource management) and a master's degree in management and leadership.

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Edited by Erin George, MFT

Erin L. George, MFT, holds a master's degree in family therapy focusing on group dynamics in high-risk families. A court-appointed special advocate for children, she is passionate about helping families restore and find healthy connections.